They pushed his departure date back.

And we're not getting a clear picture as to why, or when he can leave.

This is so frustrating. I want to go home now! I want to be with him!

I miss him so much. I need him so bad. Argargarg, stupid military.

I haven't worried about him for a while, and I thought everything was going just fine! Now they slap this on, and I get my fears back.

What if they're hiding something important? What if he gets hurt? I don't want to lose him again. I don't want to lose him permanently.

So much to worry about now. So much that could be going on, that they won't tell us! I hate the government! ARG.

Baby, I need you so badly right now. Please reassure me. Please tell me there's nothing going on. Please say you can come home soon, in one piece. There's got to be a good reason why you're being held there.

argargarg.

Please be okay.

Nearly June.

Only a month or so to go now 'til I can go home.

I can't freakin' wait. I can't wait to get out of here, and leave everything behind.

Finally. A new life. A second chance at everything.

I'll be moving back to England, where no one knows me but Joe.

I could be a mute! Well, not really. Espanoza and .. whatshisface know I can talk. But no one else does!

I could be the person I've always wanted to be. Spontaneous, and fun, and daring.

Or I could just be boring ol' me.


This is the chance of a lifetime. I don't know if I'd be able to live if something happened to Joe. I don't know how much longer I can wait here, if I have to.

I told myself not to get anxious, and now I am.

When I was in California, I didn't get excited at all. I was calm up until I was at the airport in Heathrow. Why am I so excitable now?

That's not to say I didn't want to go the first time. I did, so much. I just kept my cool better. Now it's a month away, and I'm like a hamster in a plastic ball! What's wrong with me?!

I need to walk more often, and tire myself out. But I feel like running all the time now! If I were with Joe, he'd go running with me.

Arg. So anxious now. I want to go home so bad, and I want to be with my lover so much.

I'm not even excited about Aion a quarter as much as I am about being back home. Having our own home. Our home. My first home, the only place I could ever feel safe and happy.

Lost my train of thought. To be continued.

I was dog-tired when we got to the office.

Nik was 'sick' again, so she stayed home, leaving me with Mom. Anyways, I was pretty freakin' tired, thankfully. The therapist didn't bother me too much because of that.

What I mean is, the spotlight was on me today, but I didn't care very much. I just stared at him as he talked.

He kept talking about how if I keep isolating myself, I'll die? People die anyways, don't they? I'm pretty sure they do..

He also said something about Joe leaving me eventually..

Silly man thinks I 'isolate' myself from everyone. Of course I don't have the same 'emotional relationship' with everyone. What kind of person even acts like that?

I'm open with Joe. I'm happy with Joe. I feel alive with Joe.

So sue me if I don't get that from other people, strangers even.
Sue me if I don't like to be around other people.

On the way home, I freaked out. I do NOT like to be stared at under a microscope, tired or not. I told Mom, for the thousandth time, that I didn't want to go to therapy. We somehow ended up in a screaming match, and I started punching out the dashboard.
She's got little dents in there now.

Now my hands are bruised. I'm probably lucky the airbag didn't pop out at me. But I'd just punch that too. LOL.

Anyways, when I got home, I couldn't take anymore, so I started to pack  [Note to Self: I am going to need another suitcase. Too much Christmas clothes.]. Then Mom told me I couldn't leave.

So. Now I have no choice but to go to therapy. I can't leave like I was told before: Therapy or GTFO. Now it's just Therapy.

Wow.

Someone needs to tell me I'm adopted. And soon.

I'm feeling empty tonight. Or this morning, rather.

It might just be the product of the stress I've been under, but it feels like a chunk of myself went missing. I feel emotionally confused, or unattached; Almost like my mental state can't make up its mind about what to wear tonight - Apathy or Depression?

Joe decided to buy me shoes and a dress. Part of me is appreciative, and part of me hates it.

I love that he likes to get me things...
But I hate that he gets me things.

That probably doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel. Well, right now anyways, but right now nothing makes sense.

Yesterday, I actually wanted to cut, wanted to revert back to my old ways.

The pills, the knives, the drinks, the drugs. But thankfully, not the sex. If there's anything I could never go back to, it would be that. I've screwed up my relationship once before, and I'll be damned if I do it again.

I'm not trying to redeem myself, or create an excuse for my actions, but.. it was all really to fill the void. The void I feel now. Well, we know how that turned out. I was one of the lucky ones, stopping before I really succeeded in killing myself. I don't know where I would be now if I didn't start talking to Joe again, calling him on Thanksgiving, or Christmas.. whenever it was.

What's this...?
A tear of self-loathing?

As always, I don't forgive myself for any of it. And I'll never understand why he did. I'll never understand why he didn't hate me. I hate me.

I mean, what person in their right mind stays in a house with strippers? What person allows themselves to be in an environment where there's alcohol and drugs around children? Someone who doesn't care about whether or not they make it through the night. Someone like me.

Well, me a year ago. I tried so hard to come back from all that. I worked on all the little things that pissed me off about myself when I was with Joe the first time. The pointless bickering, the finger pointing, the--...

Three months to go.

I... I just don't know what do to anymore. If I regress back to the way I was, I don't know what I could do. I don't know if I would be able to realize what I'm doing a second time. I don't know if I could stop myself from suicide again.

By the way, how the hell is committing suicide against the law? What the hell are they going to do to offenders? Not give them a funeral?! HAH.

...

This is getting kind of long. All this from feeling 'empty'. I suppose it was really just more resentment towards my stupidity and my current situation.

I need to take more photos. That always takes me away from things.

I am :: Blank
Listening to :: Radiohead - Karma Police

WHY DO I HAVE TO GET SO ANXIOUS OVER LITTLE THINGS?

WHY DO I FEEL PISSED OFF WHEN MOM DROPS THINGS?

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO STUPID?

WHY DO I TAKE OUT MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATIONS ON OTHER PEOPLE?

WHY AM I SO INSECURE STILL?

WHY AM I NOT GETTING ANY BETTER?

WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE?

Why do I keep questioning my relationship?

Why can't I just accept that he loves me for who I am?

Why do I keep expecting the worse? I thought I was better than that. I thought I could be happy with what I have.

Why doesn't anyone else understand how I feel?

Why is it so hard for me to communicate?

Joe broke me out of my shell, but I'm still so nervous around him. I don't want to fuck up anymore. I don't want him to realize that I'm no good.

I broke his heart, but he's so ready to trust me again.

Why did I do those things?

Why did I leave him?

Why did he take me back so quickly, even after everything I did?

Why can't I be a better person, like he is?

I am nothing without him. And I would've been nothing if I never got ahold of him again. He gave me the will to live.

I keep wondering if I'll ever be fully capable of controlling what I say, or what I do, or how I feel when I wake up in the morning.

I keep wondering if this is all just some elaborate scheme, or a dream I might wake up from.

Maybe nothing is what it seems. Maybe I'm not getting better, or maybe Joe's not going to stay in love with me forever.

Maybe I'm worse than I thought.

Any little thing could set me off. Just a few minutes ago, Mom was sneezing and dropping things on the floor, and again and again. I felt myself get anxious. What a stupid thing to get anxious over. Sneezing and dropping things.

I can feel myself loosing hope now, about all things I look forward to.

Marrying Joe, making a home together.. Being together for the rest of our lives.

What am I supposed to do if I lose him? He is the only thing that gives me the strength to push forward. The only person I've ever loved.

What do I have if I don't have him? Nothing. I am nothing without him.

I feel so alive when I'm around him. And I feel so dead when we're far apart, like we are now.

Everyday, I worry. I worry about him, about where he is, and what he's doing. I worry that he might not come back home, and that the last memories he'd have of me would be when I freaked out in London, or overslept, or stayed up to play Wow instead of lay in bed with him.

I need him so much right now, but he can't be with me.

Please don't let there be another deployment after this. I can't take the anxiety of not knowing what's going on.

I am scared.

Ever since Mom got into this fucking Domestic Violence group, she's been playing off being a "survivor" on everything.
•She's in therapy for it.
•She made sure her 'case worker' knew she was in a 'DV relationship'.
•She filed for child support.
•She's calling everyone 'abusers'.
•She's organizing a 'March to Washington' for her group. That'll never happen. Who's going to pay for all of the crap she's ordering? Oh, I forgot. Her tax return is paying for it all. Ya'know, instead of saving it for bills and rent and things we NEED like food and clothes.

This is bullshit. I'm so tired of having to hear about "Domestic violence this, and your father that, and you're an abuser this, and in October that". She keeps me and Nik up for hours by allowing her "victims" to call at ANY HOUR OF THE NIGHT. And she pawns it off on "This group is my WORK, and I WORK 24/7. Deal with it". 
Oh, okay mom. So you'd rather put these helpless strangers who got themSELVES into these situations before your own children's wellbeing? AHAHA. HAHA. HAH. Of course she would. Just like she'd throw around the name "abuser" like it were a chocolate bar or some shit.

Arg. I just spilled my sunflower seeds.  Mom bought DESHELLED Sunflower seeds. Pffft. What am I supposed to do with those?

Anyways. She's dragged Nik into this stupid March to Washington DC that's supposed to happen in October. It's not going to happen. Somewhere down the road, there's not going to be enough money for something [of course, because she's spent it all on useless crap], and it'll have to be canceled. I'm just glad I won't be here for any of that.
I want no part in ANY of this crap. I'm ashamed Mom's even trying to run a group full of women who look to HER for advice and information.

Lol.. Mom giving advice.. Lol.

But that's all beside the point. The point is, this is pointless. All this 'counsiling' and therapy and organizing and grouping and junk. It's going to end up in flames, mainly because Mom's NEVER done anything like this before, and secondly because this is all just a rouse to make it be known that Mom is a 'survivor'. She is incapable of doing anything important for anyone other than herself.

Another thing is that I hate the way she talks to people like they don't know anything and she knows EVERYTHING. For instance, she ALWAYS tell people on the phone things like "he did that because.." or "abusers do this so that.." or "you're acting just like an abuser.." or "No, that's not right..." FUCK I HATE THAT.


...


I mean, I know I have my problems, but ..

An.. abuser..?

Listening to :: Crossfade - Cold

I just took two excedrine for the pain I'm in from the karate class yesterday. I can already taste.. whatever the fuck it is that I can taste. It brings back old, bad memories. God, I was so stupid..

I’m afraid that Mom is going to force me to talk about what happened in my childhood with the therapists. I’m afraid that it’s going to be brought up soon. She doesn’t accept the idea that I’d like to forget it instead of confront it. Why do I need to confront it if I’m already at peace with it? I know what happened. They’re MY memories, and it’s how I deal with it that matters. It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with whether or not SHE has dealt with it yet.

My cousin raped me at my grandmother’s house with 4 or 5 other adults in the house, and my sister just outside the room. But of course that was swept under the rug like it never happened as soon as I told my therapist about my father molesting me several times over the course of a few years. I think that was the bigger issue because everyone always trusted my father. He was the provider and the enforcer.

.. I lost my train of thought.

I constantly find myself wanting to be apart, or at least experience, the world that Joe sees. He always talks about these nightmares that are terrifying to even think about. He says he sees things out of the corner of his eyes that aren’t really there. That, before I came along, all he could think about were creatures that didn’t belong; Disfigured, distorted, disgusting things that he could feel around him. I could want nothing more than to share the horrifying sights with him so I could better understand what he’s going through.

I think I have convinced myself so well and for so long that I want to be apart of Joe’s insanity that I, myself, have started to see little things out of the corner of my eyes. This only happens when I’m staying up in the wee hours of the morning, though. When I try to look directly at the images, they disappear. But I know full well that they are only the white towel hanging off the laundry basket, or the sweater on the couch that Nik never remembers to hang up.

I used to think I could hear voices outside, or tiny cracking noises every so often in the house. But I’ve stopped listening for them because I’ve only just convinced myself to hear them so I could feel closer to Joe.

But there are some things that I have always done, things that would hint at my own insanity.
•I can’t sit still for too long. After only a few seconds, I feel the need to move, even if it’s just adjusting my foot, or bouncing my leg, or fidgeting with a string off my shirt.
•I can’t stand loud, repetitive noises. They have to have a steady, constant rhythm, or else it aggravates me to the point of a panic attack. That includes an innocent coughing/sneezing fit. In fact, even songs that don’t have a steady rhythm make give me a paranoid-like state.
•I hate when people talk to themselves, or to televisions/computers. I always assume you’re talking to an actual person, and when I don’t see the other person, I start to get paranoid. My mother has a horrible habit of randomly muttering curse words when she hears bad news on the television. Or she’ll be thinking about something and start randomly muttering curse words aloud. Once again, I have NO IDEA what she’s thinking about, and it scares the wiggidy out of me when she says “Fuck..!” while she’s driving.
•I have conversations in my head. Unlike Mom, I don’t vocalize any part of the conversations. And it’s not like I’m playing more than one person in the conversation. It’s more like a monologue directed to the thought of another person. What sucks is that I never remember what I’m saying for more than a few minutes at a time, so I can’t write them down and make them concrete. And when I attempt to force a conversation as I have access to the computer, I can never get anything good going so I CAN write it down.

There’s plenty more to add to the list, but I can’t think--..
•I possibly have short term memory loss.
•I lose my train of thought very often.
-- of anything else right now, so I’ll add more later.